Recognize Proactive People by the Language They Use. And Stick with Them
In the “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen Covey, the first and arguably the most important habit is called — be proactive. What does it actually mean? Why is it so significant?
Story
Let’s begin with a story. Two close friends — Paul and Rob — met at a pub. After a tough day at work and a couple of beers, they started a conversation about weight. They admitted they weren’t happy with their looks and decided to do something about it. They set the goal and the deadline — 5 kg (11 lbs) less within 2 months.
After 2 months they met again. They sat at the bar and ordered a beer. Paul started the discussion:
P: “How did it go, Rob? Did you lose some weight?”
R: “Don’t even ask. I couldn’t get it done.”
P: “Why not? What happened?”
R: “I would do it if I weren’t so exhausted after work. And my kids were so full of energy and annoying at home. I couldn’t stand them.”
P: “Why didn’t you take them for a walk? We took long walks almost every day with my wife and the kids. Amazing time!”
R: “Walking is boring. I was tired. Besides, it was harsh outside. You know I couldn’t change the weather.”
P: “True, you couldn’t. That’s why we went to the swimming pool when the weather was too bad. Our children loved it. We had so much fun. I swam for at least 20 minutes without any breaks. What did you change then? Did you eat less? Or healthy?”
R: “Not really. I couldn’t find any time for cooking. As I just mentioned, I lacked energy and couldn’t be bothered about cooking. We had to order a pizza or some other takeaway food.”
P: “I know what you feel. I’ve been there. However, since you and I decided to lose weight, my life has changed. My wife and I cooked together. Kids always learned from us and helped. We got really creative in the kitchen. We replaced sugar and fat with fruits and vegetables. I had no idea that changing to a healthier lifestyle could give me so much energy. I slept more and better, so I woke up energized. I also went through a busier period at work. However, I was more effective and productive. And you know what the best part is? I spent so much time with my wife and kids. I believe we were never so close together as a family. Oh, by the way… I lost 7 kg. “
R: “You are lucky. I gained 2 kg, but I couldn’t do anything about it. If I had more luck, I would lose weight. If only I had more time and energy, I would eat better. I couldn’t change things that happened.”
Definition
In very basic words, proactivity means taking over control. Proactive people take responsibility for their emotions, decisions, actions. They are in charge of their lives. They own the initiative. If there is anything out of their control, they ask: “Which part of this situation can I control?”. For example, we can’t control the weather. However, we can find some alternatives in case it is too bad.
The opposite of proactivity is reactivity. Reactive people lost control of their lives. They blame everybody and everything else for their failures. They believe the world turned against them. They are convinced they are victims and don’t have luck.
Language
Going back to the story. I guess you know by now, Paul is a proactive person, and Rob is a reactive one. And yes, I did use P and R for initials on purpose. Let’s see how different is the language they used.
Proactive language is built around the verb “to be.” Paul said: “I am more effective and productive.” and “We are creative.” He looked for changes inside himself. Paul knew he had the power to choose. To accomplish that, he adjusted his language. He said to himself: “I want to be fit” or “I’ll go swimming if the weather is too bad” or “Let’s see what we can cook today.”
On the other hand, reactive language is focused on the verb “to have.” Rob said: “If I had more time…” and “If I had more luck…” He found excuses outside of himself. He said: “I would lose weight if I didn’t work so much” or “I can’t control the weather” or “I must order pizza today.”
How do the sentences differentiate in similar conditions?
Reactive: “I can’t do anything about it.” vs. proactive: “Let’s see what I can do.”
Reactive: “I would do it, if…” vs. proactive: “Let’s do it.”
Reactive: “I have to.” vs. proactive: “I choose.”
Reactive: “They are annoying me.” vs. proactive: “I control my feelings.”
Reactive: “They won’t agree to do it.” vs. proactive: “I’ll convince them.”
How does the language translate into life? Proactive people are creators of their happiness, actions, feelings. Creators of their lives. Reactive people are only spectators.
Proactive people solve problems, whereas reactive ones create them. Where the latter find excuses, the former see opportunities.
Why should you hang out with proactive people?
Jim Rohn declared: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
Many people argue with his statement. However, there is already science backing it. Research shows if one of your close friends is obese, the probability that you will gain weight increases by 57%! If one of your friends quits smoking, it is 36% less likely you will ever start.
The same principles operate in other aspects of life. When you surround yourself with proactive people, you will stay or become proactive. When the majority of your friends are reactive, it is much more likely you will also be.
Your surroundings impact your decisions. Decisions lead to actions. Actions form your life.
Personal Experience
I’ve been guilty of being reactive for over 30 years. With only a few exceptions, I always chose the easier path with short term gratification. I still sometimes do. Becoming proactive doesn’t happen overnight. However, I improved already. In every challenging situation, I try to begin with myself. I don’t look for excuses. I don’t say life is unfair. I try not to blame others.
Notice how I wrote: “I try not to blame” instead of “I don’t blame.” I find this transition extremely hard because blaming others was my default option for so many years. Every time something wrong or unexpected happens, my brain looks for someone to accuse. It doesn’t matter whom, definitely not me.
However, I learn to be aware of these moments. I begin my self-talk “Hold on a second… What about me? Have I done everything to avoid this consequence?”. It isn’t easy to stop and ask these questions, especially when there are emotions involved. Yet, work hard to get better.
How does it improve my life? It gives me power. I know I choose my emotions, decisions. I am the creator of my life. This is a total game-changer.
Final Conclusion
Why is being proactive so difficult? Because it takes a lot of courage to admit: “I am guilty of being unhappy.” or “I don’t achieve my goals because of my efforts.” or “My relationship is broken because I am an asshole.”
Why should you implement a proactive mindset? Proactivity gives you power. Power to manage your actions and emotions. Ability to design your life the way you want it to be. This empowers you to live your own life.
Stop for a moment to listen to your language. Which one do you use? Are you Paul or Rob? Listen to the language of your closest beings. Are they Paul or Rob?
